Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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