I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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