if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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