Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
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Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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