You're my little dorito
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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