Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
