areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
