whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
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And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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