Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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