I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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