My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
