True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
