....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
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I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
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So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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