once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
