I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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