So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
