remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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