No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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