They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
