I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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