Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.