Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize