Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just forgot I was standing up.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
