I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
