I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
