Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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