Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
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it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
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I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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