Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
