Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
