They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
