he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize