you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
