I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
