life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
