Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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