My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
