I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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