I love having hate sex.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
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im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
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I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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