Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
