I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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