I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
