Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
