i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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