It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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