Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When did angry sex become our thing?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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