I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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