i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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