I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
