were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm like, not good at living.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
