Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Im part way to drunk.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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