Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
