You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
