last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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