the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
