new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
